Category Archives: Books

Mrs. Dalloway and the Novel Coronavirus

“What a lark! What a plunge!”

Ah, those first famous words from Virginia Woolf’s fabulous, timeless Mrs. Dalloway. Today, almost one-hundred years after the novel’s publication in 1925, and in the midst of a once every-one-hundred year pandemic, we can easily wonder at the marvelous manner with which Mrs. Dalloway would have greeted our circumstances–aware of the sad reality of death, yet enchanted by the human experience.

We can imagine her keen eye taking in and commenting on the COVID-masks obscuring the facial tics of passers-by, her frustration at her own face-covering blocking the fragrant scent of those gorgeous flowers that she would say she would buy herself. And, of President Trump, what delicious anecdotes would she serve up to entertain–and to energize us?

Would Mrs. Dalloway throw a Zoom party to divert and delight us, making us feel special–and superior–even if only for a brief interlude?

No doubt, a quarantined Clarissa Dalloway would find just the right note–and strike it. Twice!

Three times three can equal love

Three love stories.  Three very different kinds of love.  Each leaving an irreplaceable mark on this viewer.

I thoroughly enjoyed recently the complex relationship between the incomparable, and gone-far-too-soon Philip Seymour Hoffman and Joaquin Phoenix in The Master. Traces of the story of Scientology’s founder, L. Ron Hubbard, were certainly evident; those references, though, weren’t the narrative, and they never overshadowed the focal point: the mystery of how and why we form relationships with the people we do.

The equally complex relationship between Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan in the deceptively simple though highly-charged love story, Fifty Shades of Grey, and the nuances that drive us into and out of another’s arms, continue to unfold long after the final credits roll.

Rounding out this engaging threesome, the endearing, quirky Israeli film, The Farewell Party, explores the indelible bonds that are created between two people who spend a lifetime together. Touching eloquently on the subject of dying with dignity, the film gently illustrates that no matter how close we are to another human, in the end, our most important love relationships are with ourselves, and with our Higher Power, however we might define that creator of all things.

The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion

A Most Eloquent Take on Grief

Life changes fast.

Life changes in the instant.  

Photo of The Year of Magical Thinking
The Year of Magical Thinking

You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends.

The question of self-pity.”

These were the first words Joan Didion wrote after it happened,  as she tells us in the first line after these words in her amazing book,  The Year of Magical Thinking.

The “it” in the follow-up words to the first words refers to her husband, John Dunne’s, death.

That these words appear at the very start of this remarkable homage to grief is important, as they are repeated in various renditions throughout the book.

Joan Didion’s husband, with whom she had shared most moments of most of her adult life, had died of a massive heart attack, just as they had sat down to dinner, and hence, the reference to life changing in an instant.

Owning My Own Grief

My own mother’s death, though extraordinarily premature, did not happen in an instant.  We had not just sat down to dinner when life as I knew it ended.

In fact, my mother was sick for much of my teenage years, and lost her valiant fight against breast cancer a mere two weeks after I turned 18.

Joan Didion struggled to come to terms with getting through the remainder of her years without the man with whom she had spent most of her life.

I, on the other hand, have spent most of my life without my mother–sometimes coming to terms with that fact better than at other times.

Joan Didion’s Way With Words

Joan Didion is the author of five novels, and one of America’s most celebrated authors.   She is so skilled a writer that she makes it safe for us to look up close and personal at a subject as potentially overwhelming as grief.

It’s almost if we’re all taking this journey through the first year after Joan Didion’s husband died–together.

The Power of Day

Days play a vital role in the story of the year following the death of Joan Didion’s husband.

We learn, for instance, of the importance of the day an editor came to dinner in so far as her husband was alive on that day.  Holidays are merely a few of the other powerful ways in which Ms. Didion used the concept of days to help her make sense of the reality of her life partner leaving her just as they were sitting down to dinner.

With eloquence and grace, defiance and acceptance, Ms. Didion deftly tells us–and surely herself– how she ultimately came to terms with her husband’s death.

If Only: How to Turn Regret into Opportunity by Neal Roese, Ph.D.

A Great Read

A short while ago, I shared the three great books that I was currently reading–and thoroughly enjoying, with a promise to post about each.

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I shared here a wonderful book that touches on shame and vulnerability, Daring Greatly by Brené Brown, and here a fabulous book on getting to know and love fear, Nerve, by Taylor Clark.

In this post, I’ll share some of the wonderful take-aways from the third of the three, If Only:  How to Turn Regret into Opportunity by Neal Roese, Ph.D., a leading researcher in the field of regret.

Our Fascinating Brains

Although I can’t begin here to capture the breadth of research that the author covers in this excellent book, I can tell you that he sheds a fabulous light on the marvel and miracle that are our brains.

If Only by Taylor Clark

With wit and humor, and a fair share of wonder and awe, he talks about our “psychological immune system,” and other ways in which our brains and our minds work together to keep us in one  piece.

Counterfactuals

One of the ways our brain helps us attempt to make sense of an often senseless-seeming world is through what science calls, counterfactuals.

Simply put, counterfactuals are fictional narratives of what might have happened if things had gone differently than they actually had. There are two types of counterfactuals, and they make us either feel better, or worse.

Downward Counterfactuals

Downward counterfactuals lift our spirits because they tell us that it could have been much worse.  Say, for instance, we were almost in a major traffic accident, but narrowly avoided it, with only a small dent. There is a momentary sense of euphoria, when we realize how bad things might have been (the small dent notwithstanding), but weren’t.

Upward Counterfactuals

Upward counterfactuals on the other hand, are more difficult to handle emotionally, because they tell us how much better things might have been, if we had only taken a different course of action.  The value in these, Dr. Roese helps us to see, is that they serve as compasses, so to speak, giving us direction for future actions.

Regret is Good

A life lived without hope is a life almost unbearably difficult to live.  If we’ve made mistakes, hope tells us that tomorrow may very well be better.

It is in this setting that regret plays such a fundamental role.  As Dr. Roese says so eloquently on the closing page:  “Regret is good. Thinking about what might have been is a  normal component of the brain’s attempt to make sense of the world, and of the human quest for betterment.”

And the quest for betterment is a wellspring of hope.

 

 

 

 

Nerve: Poise Under Pressure, Serenity Under Stress, and the Brave New Science of fear and Cool by Taylor Clark

“You’re not alone.”

How many of us have heard those words and felt an instant wave of relief?  To know that others have shared our fear, our embarrassment, our quandary, is to know that we are okay.

And, to know that we are okay is to know that we belong.  To know that we belong is, of course, fundamental to our human experience.

Message of Assurance

Taylor Clark's excellent book addressing fear, "Nerve"
Taylor Clark’s book, “Nerve”

Taylor Clark’s excellent book, Nerve:  Poise Under Pressure, Serenity Under Stress, and the Brave New Science of Fear and Cool, was one big, “you’re not alone” message of assurance for me.

Through an engaging presentation of real-life examples of famous individuals who have felt and faced their fear, and interviews with noted fear authorities, Clark introduces the reader to the technical aspects of fear, shows us where fear lives in the brain (Hello, Amygdala!), and provides Calls to Action for surviving the often debilitating effects of fear.

Fear is Our Ally

For anyone who has ever struggled with fear–whether fear of heights or fear of an audience–and this includes all of us (to be human is to fear), it will come as a welcome relief to know that fear can not only be our friend, it can be our savior, warning us of dangers and directing us to alternative courses of action.

Doing What We’re Afraid to Do

Perhaps one of the most exciting take-aways from Nerve for me was to learn that one of the surest ways to calm our fears is to expose ourselves as much as possible to the very thing we fear.

By doing so, we are in a sense de-conditioning that part of our brain responsible for the fear reaction, letting it know that although we appreciate its valiant vigilance, it is no longer needed in that particular situation.

Once we let our fear rear-guard know that we’ve got a situation handled, the rational, thinking part of our brain can resume its starring role.

And the thinking part is where so much of the stuff that makes life worth living resides.

 

Daring Greatly: Great Reading

A few posts ago, I shared the books adorning my bedside table. Included in that enriching stack was Daring Greatly by celebrated author and University of Houston researcher, Brené Brown.

It’s an incredibly rich read, and here is the larger message I’ve so far gathered from Daring Greatly:

To live fully, we need to be willing to be vulnerable;
To be vulnerable, we need to be willing to put ourselves out there;
To put ourselves out there, we need to know that we are enough;
To know that we are enough, we need to be resilient against the siren call of shame (that tries to convince us that we are not enough);
To not buckle to the siren call of shame, we need to be willing to cultivate “shame resilience;”
To develop shame resilience in order to be vulnerable, we need to be willing to practice “daring greatly” daily/hourly; and,
To be willing to keep practicing, we need to realize that only by being vulnerable are we truly connected, and hence, truly alive.

Bedside Table Reading

Someone famous certainly must have once said, “Tell me which books are on your bedside table at any given moment, and I’ll tell you what is important in your life at that moment in time. ”
BedsideTableBooks1.21.15(r1)

So, it is very fitting, that as we delve into 2015, the books on my bedside table reflect my fervent (urgent, even) desire to reflect on recent years past, with engines full-speed ahead toward the years yet to come.  

Reflection

Not only is it the start of a new calendar year, it is also the start of another chapter in my life as the mother of a wonderful teenager who is making choices that often do not involve me.  This is called maturity.   A good thing, indeed.

This development, though, combined with family-career choices I may or may not otherwise have made, has turbo-charged me into contemplating a re-direction in my life.

Hence,  on my bedside table presently reside books that reflect this time of, well, reflection.

Daring Greatly by Brene Brown

If Only:  How to Turn Regret into Opportunity by Neal Roese, Ph.D.

Nerve:  Poise Under Pressure, Serenity Under Stress, and the Brave New Science of Fear and Cool by Taylor Clark

More to Follow

As the first month of 2015 hasn’t yet turned into the second, I have not yet finished either of the three books.  I pick up one, then the other, depending upon which inner voice is nibbling away at my self-confidence at the moment.

I promise, though, to report back here as I finish each.

In the meantime, I’ll be daring greatly, and striving to turn my regrets into opportunities, all with poise and nerve!

P.S.  I’d love to know which books are on your bedside table.  If you care to, leave a note in the Comments section below.  Happy Reading!

The Art of Falling by Kathryn Craft

A Sense of Space

In the author’s notes at the rear of Kathryn Craft’s poignant and elegantly written, The Art of Falling, Ms. Craft explains that one of the reasons it might have taken her eight years to write her novel is that “Penelope and I were sharing our journey of healing.”

The Art of Falling

And indeed, it is a journey that we can all now share.

Continue reading The Art of Falling by Kathryn Craft

Lost for Words by Edward St. Aubyn

Lost for Words

A Sense of Place

No doubt about it, the setting for acclaimed British author Edward St. Aubyn’s delightful, witty work, Lost for Words, could be none other than England.  Quintessential England, at that, with men named Tobias and Malcolm, and ladies named Penny Feathers.

Throw in a uniquely British-sounding book contest–the Elysian Prize for Literature, sponsored by the patrician-sounding Elysian Group–and you might feel ready to jump right on a double-decker bus with a Union Jack pinned smartly to your lapel.

 A Sense of the Absurd, Charmingly Served

For those who enjoy a good dose of acerbic wit, this novel will supply a smorgasborg of it!  At every turn, the novel turns convention and snobbery on its pointed nose.

Why, take your pick! A short-listed cookbook of generations-old Indian recipes, The Palace Cookbook, heralded as a brilliant piece of fiction (though it is neither brilliant nor fiction), after a prestigious publishing house mistakenly submits the Indian cookbook instead of the much-anticipated novel of our tragic heroine?

An Indian manservant commissioned by his employer’s “Indian grandee” nephew (whose own novel was overlooked while his aunt’s Indian cookbook is celebrated) to murder one of the judges in revenge?  An elevator that malfunctions and traps the esteemed Malcolm Craig, Chair of the Elysian Prize committee,  mere moments and just steps from the podium where he is to deliver the Elysian prize?

Missing Pieces

Katherine Burns.   Emotionally vacant, sexually vociferous though never sated.   Why, Katherine, why?  I would have liked to have known more about the life events that contributed to her desperate hunt for men who seemingly could never fill that reservoir of sadness she forever sought to fill with them.

How fitting that her novel–the one that one of her lovers seemingly had a hand in (accidentally?) failing to deliver to the Elysian committee by the deadline– was titled, Consequences.

Overall

Overall, Lost for Words, is a winner.  If there were an Elysian prize for the work of fiction with the most echoes of that most prized master of wit, Oscar Wilde, then this surely would take top honors, if not top prize.